


a lullaby for you

by noirophelia



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Fluff, Kid Fic, M/M, it's probably going to be too sweet, kind of, soo sweet it becomes unrealistic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:34:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27923869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noirophelia/pseuds/noirophelia
Summary: Isak has a wonderful little daughter. Even is her wonderful teacher.
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen
Comments: 30
Kudos: 90





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> yep this is a kidfic. not a very serious one, so it seems  
> i had an idea for this for a few months now, i'm a few chapters ahead and i think i know how i want this one to go  
> i might change the amount of chapters though !  
> pardon my mistakes!  
> thank you for reading, i hope you'll enjoy (:

When Even only started thinking about becoming a teacher he didn’t know he is going to have to stay way too late after classes are over. Sure, it mostly depends on the day of the week but Even likes finishing his work stuff at school so he doesn’t have to take it home, hence, he often stays behind. Other teachers shake their heads at him and even dare to call him workaholic but Even has created his own routine he’s comfortable with and paying attention to what other people might say is the last thing he thinks about.

It used to annoy him, now he's just tired. He tries not to pay attention to it also because sometimes he just dreads going home.

In the past few years it's been all the same, no grand changes, only his steady, normal life. 

It's seven in the morning when he wakes up, while he puts his pants on, sleepness usually stick around, eyes hurt a little from the bright lightning; slepness doesn't go away even with the first cup of coffee - and Even can't afford more than two a day simply for the sake of his wellbeing. Between lazy walking around to the kitchen and back to the bedroom, his appartment shrinks in its size, Even nervously eyes the clocks on the wall.

Between Mondays and Fridays, somewhere in the middle, he catches himself thinking he's so fucking lonely. Some days it's fine, and other days... it isn't.

But then dating is exhausting, so energy consuming, building a bond with someone isn't an easy task either and in ideal world, Even wants exactly that.

Would his eighteen years old self think that in ten years it's going to be like this? No, he was so in love with love he didn't actually think about the future for real. Grand love, turns out, nonexistent. Maybe for some, but not for him. Not yet, at least.

He flirts, quite often, is up to have a good time, but it never has a happy ending.

He also thought that his enormous love for children is enough to enjoy teaching in elementary school - don’t get him wrong, he loves what he’s doing and he never regretted his life choices but sometimes kids tend to consume all your energy throughout the day. It’s just a fact, nothing to be angry or sad about. Everything is worth it when someone in his class makes an accomplishment anyway. Then, Even realizes once and once again he’s doing the right thing.

So, when he’s finally done almost at seven p.m. he lets out one long, tired yawn and stretches his neck. Only on the way to the exit door he catches the light coming out of one of the classrooms – weird, but maybe he’s not the only one with odd habits – still, Even lightly knocks and opens the door.

There is no one else in the room except for one of his pupils, girl named Bea, who is sitting at the school desk, carefully drawing colorful lines on the paper in front of her. As she hears the door klick, she raises up her head and smiles, recognizing Even.

“Hey,” Even says, confused – why is she alone at school at this hour? But before he can ask her anything, she beats him to it.

“Hello! I thought I was alone at school,” she giggles and blows to get rid of the hair that gets in the way of her eyes. She looks very tired.

“You couldn’t be alone,” Even puts his palm to his mouth and fake whispers. “Did you forget about the guards?”

“Yes, I forgot!” she exclaims with that childish glint in her eyes.

Even thinks Bea is a sweet girl. A very smart one, too. She isn’t too loud, she has a few kids she constantly plays with, nothing out of ordinary. Her handwriting is neat and she is always prepared for his classes – that’s basically all Even knows about her, to be honest.

“Do your parents always pick you up this late? Maybe I should give them a call?”

“Daddy is working late on Wednesdays. He talked to the principal I’m staying extra hours with Vilde after classes.”

Even frowns because- _what the hell_? What kind of parent makes a child spend the whole day at school and not manage to pick the kid up on schedule? If there is something that can make Even angry, it’s irresponsible adults. You have a kid. You have to _do better_.

“And where is Vilde?”

“She had to leave early today.” Bea shrugs, pouting. “She got a call her kitty got sick so I’m drawing a picture to wish her cat to get better.”

Even comes closer and sees a drawing of black kitten with white stripes – Even doesn’t know what Vilde’s cat looks like – so he just compliments Bea's skills and says it’s definitely going to make Vilde’s cat feel better. His heart squezzes from this little girl's kindness. 

“I see. And where is your mom?” Even asks, placing himself on the chair in front of her. She finishes coloring the cat’s tail and, picking up dark green crayon, starts scribbling words at the top of the paper.

Yeah, he’s not leaving until this girl’s parents show up.

“I don’t know.” She looks up at him and shrugs again – and Even’s heart breaks. A child _needs_ a mom. She does it so nonchalantly as if it doesn’t matter at all and Even just- wants to cry. But Bea continues, “Actually, she was in Japan last time I FaceTimed her.”

“Oh? Is your mom, like, a politician?” 

“Noooo,” Bea drags the vowel, laughing as if he said something very silly. “My mom is a model.”

Okay, Even thinks. Now that he decided he isn’t leaving, he nods and offers, “Do you want to play puzzles while we’re waiting for your dad?”

\---

Even checks his watches, the minute hand shows way past eight when a young man rushes into the classroom – black backpack on his shoulder and hair in a mess. 

Even thought Bea is going to get bored with puzzles very soon but she’s got so concentrated in the process she didn’t hear new person come in. In these few seconds Even gets a chance to observe the newcomer and-

 _So young_ , was Even’s first thought, probably even younger than him, although thick stubble and bags under his eyes could easily fool him.

 _So pretty_ , Even thinks next. He absolutely didn’t expect something like this.

The man softly knocks on the doorframe and lets out, “Hello,” in soothing, yet firm voice, a little raspy, with slightly puzzled look in his eyes – he was probably expecting to see Vilde and not him, Even thinks, – and it makes Even forget what he was plotting to say beforehand.

It’s when Bea turns her eyes towards hallway and with the loudest yell Even ever heard from her runs off to hug the man as he squats down to meet her in the middle. He picks her up, grunting twice as he mutters something that sounds like ‘you’re probably too old for this now’.

“You’re later than usual,” Even hears Bea say as she’s holding tight onto her dad. “I missed you.”

“I know, I know. I missed you so much,” his left hand flies up to caress the back of her head. “I’m so sorry you missed your dance practice today again, honey bee.”

And it finally hits Even. There are things you can’t fake, no matter how hard you try. And the truth is in this: the man he sees is nothing but genuine, and the girl seems to adore him. Then, Even notices bags under his eyes again and it hits him once more. Maybe sometimes he tends to judge people too quickly.

The man seems to remember they were not alone and catches Even’s look as Even stands up from the floor. As he puts Bea down as she exclaims:

“This is Even! I’ve told you about him!”

“Even as Even the favorite teacher of yours?” her dad raises his brows as he watches his daughter blush and hide behind is legs. The man chuckles and with a nod politely offers Even his hand Even politely accepts (he can’t help but notice the absence of the wedding band). “I’m Isak. Nice to meet you.”

“Likewise.” Firm grip on Isak’s hand earns Even the man’s smile. “Your daughter is one of the best students in my class.”

Isak pats Bea on the head, her dirty blond locks – a bit darker than Isak’s – falling out of her braids. “Good job, sweetie.” The girl preens under attention, giggling. Isak turns to look at Even again and Even thinks how guys like him should be illegal – too pretty, too gorgeous. Isak nods, “Seems like you are a big reason for that.”

“No, I’m sure it’s genetics, nothing less,” Even blurts out and mentally scolds himself for being so unambiguous. He really, really hopes Bea doesn’t understand he’s flirting with her dad right now. Trying to flirt, to be honest, because suddenly he doesn't know how to. Isak just caught him off guard and unprepared. “It’s my job to make what she already has more visible.”

It earns Even Isak’s smile- confused at first, but then Isak shakes his head and it changes form confused to smug and maybe, just maybe Even is a little happy about it.

\---

As they walk to the parking lot, Isak sighs – a few times, biting his bottom lip - as if he wants to say something but doesn't dare to. Even wonders what it's about.

Even follows them to their car just to do one more thing. “Mr. Valtersen-”

Isak tilts his head and interrupts him with one-side grin, “Isak, please.” 

Then, Isak unlocks his car and opens the back door for Bea to get in, as she does so she’s quick to put the seat belt on without being told to – honestly, Even will never get tired of this kid surprising him – while Isak is taking care of her school bag.

Even chuckles, kicking the ground with his foot. What Even says next is probably the stupidest thing that ever left his mouth, and he drunk called his ex once. Not his brightest moment.

Mostly it’s because he felt this instant urge to know Isak and life taught him he has to follow his urges because there is no promise of tomorrow, no matter how pretentious it sounds. He isn’t getting younger, you know.

“Isak, I- I know you’re on tight schedule and- I thought I could give your kid a ride home if that’s okay.”

Isak narrows his eyes at him and watches him closely. In a second, Even realizes it might sound weird indeed, so he takes a few moments to get a grip and tries to think of something to say to make his intentions clear.

“I just thought maybe you need help,” Even nods and doesn’t break the eye contact, hoping Isak will understand what this is about. “It isn’t a big deal, I swear.”

Tension seems to leave Isak’s shoulders, yet he’s still clearly feeling uncomfortable. “I know it isn't good she spends the whole day at school. And I know what you think-” he starts, looking down in – guilt. Even knows a thing or two about human psychology, it takes him only a few seconds to predict what Isak is going to say next. “That I’m a bad father.” Before Even has a chance to argue, Isak adds. “Your offer is unexpected. But I don’t want to bother you with that.”

“You don’t. I promise. Besides, your building is on my way.”

“How do you know where we live?” Isak frowns and tenses again.

“It’s in your daughter’s school record. Your address, phone number, work place, health insurance number-”

“God, I’m an idiot,” Isak awkwardly laughs, relaxing once again. He closes the door after Bea and leans on it with his hip, and in a second, the air between them changes, Isak’s got these glints in his eyes now, grinning with one corner of his mouth; he spins the car keys around your finger and doesn’t break their eye contact. “So, basically, you have everything on me?”

“I believe that’s right,” Even nods, raising his chin a little in attempt to fake formalities. He just knows Isak gets it.

“You even have my number,” Isak clicks his tongue and tilts ducks his head still looking at Even through his eyelashes- and wow, Even is only human. “I’m going to need yours, then.” Even's smile starts to grow against his will but Isak is fast to add, “If you’re going to give lifts to my kid, I’m going to need your number.”

“Sure,” Even says as nonchalantly as he can, watching Isak fishing his phone out of his pocket. 

Even notices how Isak is rubbing his nose with his finger – such an obvious nervous habit – and trying not to smile any wider becomes impossible. Who would have thought, right?

Silence falls between them while Even puts his hands in his pockets, relaxing his shoulders and notices hesitant taps Isak's fingers make on his phone screen. After saying goodbye both to Bea through car window and to Isak, Even nods and walks off backwards, catching Isak throwing glances at him as he himself gets in the car.

A few minutes later, as Even watches through his own review mirror Isak leaving the parking lot, he starts the engine, wondering where this is going to go.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapters are literally small babies... i'm embarrassed lol  
> they're fun to write though ! i hope this one is alright (:

As it turns out, original plan of driving Bea home changed to driving her to her dancing classes. It’s absolutely okay with Even, he offered to help and he’s willing to fulfil. Besides, Isak assured Even he’ll be on time to pick her up right after, so Even’s job here is as minimized as it could be.

“Thank you for driving me to the studio, I always miss practice on Wednesdays,” Bea mumbles once she’s got in the car; now she’s looking around vehicle interior, clutching onto the seat in front of her. “And it's so much easier for daddy. He’s really tired after his late shifts at the hospital.”

“It’s alright, I’m happy to help,” Even says with a restrained smile after short loss for words. 

Once again, Even will never stop admire this little girl’s maturity. It’s sort of sad.

Of course, Bea had to wait for about an hour before Even finishes his work stuff, but this time she wasn’t alone, she stayed in his office, quietly doing her homework for tomorrow. Even was even more impressed when after she finished, she fished the book out of her school bag and started reading – what Even curiously checked, was _The Life and Strange Surprizing Adventures of Robinson Crusoe_. Even reread this book in his early twenties and what a surprise it was to realize how religious the novel is. When you’re a kid you simply don’t see these things.

Now, Bea doesn’t stop looking around, “Your car is so big! So cool.” She mumbles in awe. 

“Your dad’s is cool too.”

“Yeah,” Bea giggles, smiling wide. “My dad is cool.”

And, well, Even could pick his way of wording it more carefully but he can’t really argue with what she said. 

“Is your dad the only one raising you?” Even can’t help but ask once he starts engine and leaves the school parking lot. It might be very unprofessional but he needs to know. What if he’s got a thing for someone who’s already taken? Even knows Isak doesn't wear the ring but somebody's love life isn't limited by marriage. And Even can't allow himself to get involved in something like this - been there, done that. Life teaches you a lesson and you learn. Otherwise, you hurt people and get heartbroken yourself just as many times as you resist being taught.

“Mm-hmm,” she nods, and as Even checks, she doesn’t seem to understand why she is asked such a weird question.

“And your mom?”

“I don’t see her too often.” She shrugs and Even remembers what she said a week ago, when he found her alone in the empty classroom. “She visits me every other month.”

Even wonders what’s the story behind it. He knows he shouldn’t, it’s intrusive and absolutely none of his business but he can’t help but be curious. He doesn’t let himself assume though, even if he thinks about how it’s usually mothers that are left alone with their child, not fathers. 

Between the radio guy announcing the weather and silly love songs, there is a moment of silence, which fills with clear sign Bea might want to grab a snack.

“You’re hungry?” Even asks, looking at Bea through review mirror. She starts actively nodding, pouting. “We still have twenty minutes till your class starts, we can stop somewhere.”

“McDonalds!” she happily exclaims, clapping her hands once.

Even chuckles - on the red light he opens the chat with Isak, internally cheering he has an opportunity to text him. He just hopes Isak isn’t too busy to text him back. Gosh, if his friends saw him right now, they’d totally laugh at how awkward he is.

“Does your dad let you have McDonalds for lunch?”

She falls quiet as Even is typing a text and then one unsure, “Sometimes.”

These little nuggets. Even is so happy he chose to work with kids.

To: Isak  
Bea is hungry and wants to stop at McDonalds  
Is she allowed to?

From: Isak  
Shit did I forget to pack her lunch  
I mean, I’m sorry  
If it’s okay with you stopping, I’ll be grateful  
I’ll return you the money next time I see you

To: Isak  
No worries it’s not about that at all  
I’m only asking because it’s junk food and some parents have strict rules about it  
(Mine for sure did)  
I can even tell her you said no and buy her healthy lunch at the café nearby

From: Isak  
You're a saint  
Thank you

If it makes something shift inside, Even tries his best not to pay attention to it. Yet.

* 

Even proceeds to driving Bea to her dance practices on Wednesday for the next week, and the week after that, listening to her sweetly bubbling from the back seat – he learned a lot about her from that, actually. For example, how there is this one girl named Lisa in her dance class, who is so annoying she can’t stand being with her in the same room – Even doesn’t really understand what kind of awful thing that poor girl has done to deserve to be called annoying but, you know, kid stuff. Then, he learns that she misses staying over at her grandparents’ on weekends. Also Bea really wants to get a kitten but Isak doesn’t let her, and as an adult, Even understands his reasons.

He informs Isak every single time when they arrive to the studio and Isak answers with restraint – nothing Even could consider as an opportunity to talk about something more. He doesn’t push and waits patiently for- for something he doesn’t get himself yet.

On Tuesday afternoon after classes are over, Even finds himself finishing with preparing for tomorrow very early on, but before he calls it a day there is a soft knock on the door. 

Even though he shouldn’t be, he is surprised when he sees Isak standing in the doorway, looking unsure, hesitant smile on his lips.

“Hello, can I come in?” Isak breathes out and with Even’s nod, he makes a few steps further. Suddenly, the look on his face changes. “You’re wearing glasses,” Isak states, pointing at him. And Even can’t read him. At all.

“Oh, yeah,” Even chuckles and shaking his head takes off his glasses. He shrugs, scratching the back of his head in a gesture that screams _yes, I’m acting as if I’m a fucking teenager again_ but can you blame him when standing in front of Isak, literally a man of his dreams in a human form. “They aren’t for vision. For computer, I mean I was-”

“It suits you,” Isak interrupts him. But before Even can say anything back, he adds. “But, uh- I’m finally here to say thank you, in person. For what you doing.”

“You don’t need to.” 

Even tilts his head a little, something warm – Even might often confuse it with simple ease and joy – spreads inside his chest like sweet honey.

“Well, maybe it doesn’t mean much for you. But it certainly does for me,” Isak nods, and his voice is low, firm, and sad even, and the whole situation makes Even’s heart shrink. “It means a lot you’re helping us. My parents had my back but several months ago my dad got a promotion and they moved to the west of the country.” Isak is right by his work desk now, so close Even’s mind might go insane any minute and he’ll make even more fool of himself. “Bea always acted like she understands when she had to miss her practice, no tears or dramatic scenes involved and I need to tell you she _loves_ dancing. I felt so guilty she had to grow up so fast. I don’t know how to thank you.”

At that, Even doesn’t know what to say. The words get stuck in his throat. _But you’re doing your best_ , he wants to say. He doesn't.

“Well, I’m happy I can help,” Even manages to say, smiling at the man next him. Even shakes his head as if it’ll help him to get rid of misleadingness. He needs to shift the mood, as soon as possible. “I’ll tell you something,” Even narrows his eyes and gestures Isak to take a seat in front of him at one of the school desks. When they are face to face, Even shakes his head, making a dramatic pause before saying, “I did have a really weird encounter with her coach driving her for the first time,” Even chuckles as he remembers.

“Oh right. I warned you, remember? Ms. Bergmann can be very intimidating.” Isak laughs, putting his hand on his mouth as if he wasn’t allowed to laugh at that. “What did she say?”

“She just looked me up and down– I swear I could feel her judging.” Even chuckles, ducking his head. A second to get a grip – and he’s looking straight in Isak eyes again. “And then she deadpanned looking straight me in the eyes _you’re not her dad_.”

“Sounds like her,” Isak nods several times and leans on his elbows to be closer to Even. He averts his gaze only to look around the classroom. “I went here, you know?” Isak says, a few moments later, a small smile on his lips – nostalgic, Even guesses.

“Really?” Even can’t hide the surprise in his voice.

“Yeah. I mean, it’s completely different from how I remember it. They really put in the work here,” Isak laughs. It’s such a sweet laugh, Even thinks. Isak leans back a little, clutching his hands together. “What else is funny, on the very first day we were seated in alphabetical order, and the boy who I was sitting next to- Well, long story short, we became friends for life. I’m going to be the best man at his wedding in a month. Faith? Funny coincidence?”

“Wow. Whatever it was, you’re the lucky one. I can’t brag about something like this.” Even licks his lips, and Isak falls silent, looking away in a weird, bashful way as if he was reminded of something important. His confidence clatters in a heartbeat, rattling sound is filling the classroom without even being made in the first place. 

And it’s as awkward as it’s nice. Sweet, even. Even doesn’t remember experiencing something like this in a long, long time. Although bells in his head ring – quiet, yet clear – and remind him of something long forgotten. When it’s not about shameless flirting or trying to prove something vague to someone, it’s about _will they – won’t they_ and _what if_ … What can Even do, shy men were always his weakness. Men are difficult to be with, in Even's experience - many of them throw on a mask and make their all personality about their confidence. It's fun and exciting to play along, for a while, then it becomes boring, and then exhausting, and after some more time not exactly healthy. So now, the whole thing reminds Even as if he is in high school again, only now he has his life baggage, and experience, and lived-through pain behind his back. He makes a mental note to himself how Isak might feel just the same.

“How about I’ll buy you lunch sometimes? I still kind of owe you one, remember?” Isak says then, fixing his jaw and Even doesn’t even acknowledges it at first. He knows Isak said something, but the meaning of his words gets to him only a few moments later and then- seems like here it is. That _something_ Even was waiting for.

Even wants to ask if it’s a friendly occasion or something more and it almost flies out of his mouth, but he’s interrupted by Vilde appearing in the doorframe, with annoyed look on her face and her eyebrows raised. Her eyes dart from Even to Isak as she says, “Even, did you forget about the teachers meeting? We all are waiting for you.”

Even’s eyebrows shoot up because, well, he actually forgot and it wasn't even because of Isak. Embarrassing, but he’ll recover.

“Right, sorry,” he mutters, shaking his head. Standing up, he fixes the collar of his shirt and throws Isak an apologetic look. “I would love to, by the way,” he manages to say.

Restrained smile touches Isak’s mouth as he stands up from the school desk. He mumbles, trying to look nonchalant, “I’ll text you, then.”

Even presses his lips together trying his best not to beam, slowly walking off. 

Looking at Isak he says softly, almost inaudible, “Okay. You do that.” 

Needless to say he barely pays attention to the teachers meeting discussions that day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> isak’s backstory was the first thing that popped in my head regarding this fic and i spent way too long trying to wrap it up right. not exactly satisfied with my final decisions but i need this to get over with, otherwise i won’t be able to continue lmao  
> hope you’ll still enjoy (:  
> thank you so much for your feedback to previous chapters, you give me such confidence boost ! 💙

I’ll text you.

That’s what Isak said, right?

Only it’s been days now and he didn’t text him. Even on Wednesday Isak simply texted Even to tell that Bea is sick and won’t be at school, hence, no need for his help and just left it there. 

Even honestly tries not to think too much about it. He has his own things to take care of, his own life to worry about, it shouldn’t throw him off like this, he knows it shouldn’t, and it’s a pity that it does.

At first, Even blames it on Isak’s tight schedule. But what about that saying, if someone wanted to talk to you, they would, no matter circumstances? Sure, he could text Isak himself but something just doesn’t let him. Even doesn’t want to admit it to himself but it’s probably the possibility of Isak saying no.

On Friday classes end two hours earlier than usual due to urgent renovation work on the second floor; that’s how Even finds himself walking out of the school building pretty early in the afternoon and meets the sun shining its brightest in weeks.

Weird how your mood often depends on the weather; for Even it’s even more complicated than that. 

For him it means to dwell in the head, thinking, reflexing, remembering the past. Sometimes it’s nice, healthy even, but it’s annoyingly easy to be swept away by the loud thoughts. Thoughts about how he has so little in his life, how he doesn’t think he’s attached to anyone, even his family, how at times his feelings get dull, as minimized as it’s possible, and time itself – that son of a bitch – only goes, and goes, and goes, leaving Even scared and confused.

He's on his own, and it’s freedom and a trap at the same time. He can do whatever he wants, but then he thinks – what for? For who? This mundane 'going about your day' is getting boring, you learn to do things you like as well as things you don’t like and with time, you pick up this mindset chip of "I have to do this" and "I have to do that".

You have to? Not really. Nobody actually needs it, including you.

Therapy helps, of course, but thoughts - they have a tendency to appear uninvited and unexpected. Even shakes his head to get rid of that annoying fixation of his and focuses on the sensations: the sun is shining and he almost feels its warmth but the cold wind is there to touch his cheeks. Contrasts collide.

Maybe the point is in that there’s no point at all.

The importance of little things, he reminds himself. Yesterday the girl at the pharmacy – probably freshly out of college – confused his medication order but he noticed it before it was too late and she was so embarrassed by that she turned all red and apologized to him at least ten times. He couldn’t be mad anyway and still it was awfully adorable. 

Now, walking out of the school building, it’s a mystery how his vision works but he sees Isak almost right away. He’s on the phone while Bea is running around the school yard with other kids, screaming out something loudly during that weird game of theirs they probably made up right on the spot.

For a moment, Even studies Isak’s posture – tensed, his hand touching his temple. 

Nothing could be better than real life talk, right? So Even makes his way towards him. “Hey,” Even says surprisingly out of breath. Why does Isak have such a weird effect on him?

It doesn’t startle Isak, he just shakes his head lightly, small smile forming on his mouth. “Hey,” he whispers back, closing his eyes for a few moments, clutching his phone in his hand.

Even makes a step back and turns away, giving him some privacy but also making it clear he wants to talk to him. He patiently waits for Isak to finish his phone call – now Isak looks not exactly nervous, mostly just annoyed. 

“Sorry, it was work,” Isak rubs his eyes with his palm and breathes out after hanging up.

“Is everything okay?” Even carefully asks, tilting his head a little. 

“Yeah. I mean, apparently I’m working the night shift tonight,” Isak presses his lips into thin line clearly looking unsatisfied with that. He swallows, “It’s okay.”

Even comes up with the new plan – to make Isak smile. It works.

“It sucks,” Even comments and pulls a face.

“Oh it does,” he laughs and Even sees the laugh reach his eyes; he must be doing something right, then. Isak puts his hands in the pockets of his coat – a clear sign of the mood shift; he isn’t comfortable with what’s happening. “Did you want to talk to me? Is this about Bea? Is there a problem?”

“No, not at all. She’s doing great, I’m glad she got better so fast. Um,” Even tries to laugh it off, make it sound like it isn’t a big deal. It still kind of is. “It’s just- I wanted to ask if the plans haven’t changed and-” Even stops himself before he can say something he might regret, and it’s exactly the moment Bea comes running and almost crushes into Isak, hugging his legs. 

Even would give everything to feel this carefree again. Instantly, Isak’s attention switches to her sweet babbling and what Even gets from it, her friend is heading to the playground near school and she wants to come as well.

At first, Isak is looking at her with puzzled look on his face, but then he smiles and says, “Sure, honey bee. But not for too long, okay? Let me finish-”

Bea loudly exclaims “Yes!” and absolutely doesn’t listen to what Isak was going to say after he agreed to her joyride. She runs off to her friend and her parents and Isak watches her for a second, before turning to Even.

“I’m sorry, I acted on impulse last time we spoke. I’m not sure if it’s a good idea.” Isak bites his bottom lip, clearly embarrassed, and looks away. “I need to go now, so-” 

Isak makes a step backwards, slowly, his shoulders tensed again. Even does it before he has time to think – he carefully catches Isak by his arm, making him freeze.

Maybe Even doesn’t need to hear his excuses, doesn’t matter if they are true or not. He just wants Isak to understand he knows what he’s doing, that it isn’t a game, that it is serious. After all, he might have an idea why Isak had cold feet. 

“Hey, it’s okay.” Even shrugs. Now that he has Isak’s attention, he lets him go. “This is an incredible arrogance coming from me but,” Even grins, watching the smallest changes on Isak’s face. “I wouldn’t mind grabbing lunch right now.”

Even isn’t hungry, he just doesn’t want to let Isak slip away.

“What? I’m not sure, I thought it was-” _meant to be just for us_ , Isak doesn’t say but Even doesn’t need him to. Somehow, he understands.

“I suggest we all go,” Even nods in the direction of Bea who is patiently waiting Isak by the school gates.

And something, Even thinks, breaks in Isak. When he’s looking at him again, he sees it in his eyes, the way his whole body just surrenders after carrying such a massive weight on the shoulders.

“Really?” Isak’s voice cracks on the exhale, the corners of his lips nervously dance.

All Isak asks is, _you mean it_?

Even doesn’t say he knows why Isak acts so surprised – he doesn’t need to. Isak’s eyes glint with something new, as if he wasn’t expecting Even to say that, behave that way, almost call him out on it, but do it in such a subtle, careful way.

As Even steps further, he licks his lips, “Yes, really.” 

It sounds like a promise.

\---

Even counts his steps as he walks; one – red leaf one the ground, two – yellow, three – he looks up, maples around them have lost its battle, it isn’t blooming green anymore but flaming crimson instead, and somehow it’s even more magnificent. Makes Even feel a fairy tale character.

The scenery would make a perfect shot, totally movie worthy.

Bea’s small hand is squeezing his, and Even is still processing it. She took Isak’s hand first, but at some point there was a huge puddle on her way, so she grabbed his hand as well to make it possible for them to fly her above that puddle. She hasn’t let go since.

He tries not to look at Isak too often, because– does he think it’s weird? Or maybe sweet? Even can’t read him. 

Even thinks this is nice, some sort of illusion of steadiness, and comfort, but while he’s living in this illusion, it still feels real. It’s fine with him.

Once they reach their destination point, Bea runs off to the kids slide while Isak finds them a bench – not too far from the playground but quiet enough to have not disturbed conversation.

Even follows him and sighs with a grin on his face, taking a seat on the bench next to Isak, not daring to sit too close yet.

“You can ask.” Isak starts abruptly with one simple nod.

“Ask what?” 

“I know you want to know. It’s okay if you ask. I have answers.” With a tilt of his head, Isak smiles at him- it’s almost there and it’s a sad one; Even just wants to hug him and never let go.

Focusing his all attention on Isak, Even carefully thinks through what he’s going to say– he is curious and this is his chance. But he also genuinely wants to know Isak, it can’t be a bad thing, right?

“Well, I guess, yeah. You’re pretty young to have an eight years old child.” Even starts.

Isak shrugs and brakes their eye contact, “Old news, really.” Biting his lips, Isak loudly breathes out. “Do you want the short version or the one that’s longer?”

Even looks, and looks, and looks at Isak until he finally dares to look at him back. With a nod, Even simply says, “The one you’re comfortable to tell.”

“Okay. Gosh, I haven’t talked about this in ages. Everyone in my life simply know it all,” Isak chuckles, rubbing his nose – is this because of the cold or is it the habit of his, the thought hops at the back of Even’s mind. “Last year of high school, some random party – we had dozens of those, that one wasn’t supposed to be any different. When it happened, I was pretty out of it. Alcohol, weed – a lot of weed. I was so deep in the closet back then too- for the first time I somehow managed- to go all the way with a girl,” Isak quietly laughs, covering his mouth with his palm, clearly embarrassed. Looking at Isak wrapped up in that burgundy scarf Even can’t help but think how beautiful this man is. “I knew there were going be rumors, I wanted them to spread, and while stoned, I just- I kept going. She told me it’s good that I’m high. Said she read somewhere it’s almost like male birth control.”

Isak makes a face at that, refraining from commenting more. Even wants to say, to do something to make Isak feel better, but he also knows it isn’t something you should feel sorry for. He would take his hand to make it clear he’s here and he’s willing to listen whatever Isak wants to tell him but he doesn’t know if he’s allowed to yet. Instead, Even carefully puts his hand on Isak shoulder.

Isak is surprised at first, but then small smile captures his lips as he shakes his head in playful way. Coming back to the story, Isak’s features smoothens. 

“Emma found out too late. I mean, not too late to actually have an abortion but late enough to start questioning it. Then, she told me she decided to keep it. I- didn’t know what to do. I was graduating high school- I mean, I already lived on my own for two years by that time but still. I was a kid. She was a kid.” Isak makes a pause, sliding his tongue on the teeth. “The worst, the scariest thing was to tell my parents, took me a while to tell my dad. But when I did, I remember him nod and- hug me? Not what I expected, absolutely not. I expected him to yell at me, scold me for being a stupid kid but he didn’t. He paid for all Emma’s appointments and medications and talked to her parents about everything. We got close, my dad and I. Felt weird, so absurd, but also the way it was supposed to be, you know?” He turns to Even but doesn’t wait for him to answer something back. “And Emma and I, we never actually tried to be together. I think neither of us wanted to, I know it sounds bad but it _was_ just a hook up.” Isak starts smiling as he looks in Bea direction. “But then something unexpected happened. We became friends- that little person made us bond. Maybe for a short period of time, but still.”

“And Emma-?” Even asks even though he vaguely knows the answer.

“She’s around. Sometimes. She’s there to shower Bea with new, expensive gifts from Paris or Milan, to buy her sweets and play with her but she isn’t there when her daughter has fever and sore throat at three in the morning or when she makes an improvement in her dancing class.” Isak shrugs, his voice becoming firmer. “I used to blame her. Asked myself why she gets to have only good sides of it and then be off the minute it gets complicated.” 

Here it is, confirmation to Even’s guesses. Isak is scared, even if he handles it well, even if he hides it even better. _Complicated_ , Isak wants Even to understand his life is complicated, but he doesn’t know yet Even knows a thing or two about it.

“But now I don’t, so. We are on pretty good terms.” 

“What happened?” Even asks, tilting his head.

Isak shrugs. “I learned to understand her.” He waits for a few minutes, Even already thinks he’s done with the story, when, “Her parents weren’t as supportive as mine. I mean, my parents basically took over Bea’s upbringing while I struggled with different job for a year after school. When I started college, too. So it’s not like I’m the only one responsible here. I missed the first diapers and all that.” Isak sighs, licking his lips. “And Emma, well. Emma had a crisis on her own. At first, she switched to homeschooling, the pressure she faced in school was too much – try walking school hallways with a bump. And then, body image issues, as she told me years later. Couldn’t feel comfortable in her own skin anymore. Postpartum depression, many other things, I will not get into details. Therefore, huge emotional gap between a mother and a child.” Isak coughs, making a face again. “That modeling thing she started was only to shut down her personal hurt. Pretty sad if you think about it. I'm not in position to judge her for her decisions.”

Before Even has a chance to say anything, expression on Isak’s face changes from pensive to embarrassed.

“Fuck, I’m sorry for crashing the whole story of my life on you. Apparently I don't have the short version of this. I hope it wasn’t too boring or-”

Even raises his free hand to stop Isak from talking. Laughing Even shakes his head. “No, no. Firstly, I asked. Secondly, I liked getting to know you. I admire you, really.”

“So you don’t feel sorry for me?”

“What, no! You’re so strong. And brave.” Even thinks about if he would handle something like this at nineteen. Studying, working, raising a child; Even’s head is going to explode any minute now. “Just from one look at your family I can see there’s so much love and care in you to give.” Isak’s cheeks – oh lord – flush in light pink as he looks away. What a sight. “You have such a smart, sweet kid. You should be proud of both of you.” 

Isak licks his lips. Then, a very quiet, “I am.”

Even gives Isak’s shoulder a squeeze once more– and they sit there, in silence for a few moments, Even goes from watching Isak to watching Bea on the playground to watching Isak again.

“I always wanted kids.” He says. “But I can’t have them.”

“Oh. I’m-”

“Uh, sorry, I put it wrong. I can, I choose not to,” at Isak’s confused face, he adds. “I’m bipolar. Do you know what it means?”

“I’m a doctor,” Isak cocks his eyebrow, unimpressed. “Yeah, I know.”

“Well. Then you have to understand I can’t risk giving my kids my genes.”

“Don’t-”

Even cuts him off before Isak has a chance to say anything else. “I mean, I know I’m doing fine. Most of the time life is good. Bearable at least. But then there are moments- moments that are so scary, in those moments you have no control over yourself. I just don’t want anyone to be at possible risk of living those things through too.”

And this time, it’s Isak’s hand that flies up to his own shoulder to cover Even’s hand and squeeze it.

Isak opens his mouth to say something but he’s interrupted by someone’s cry, it’s short, but loud enough to get their attention. 

Isak realizes it was Bea a few seconds faster than Even, but they both jump to run towards her to the center of the playground. She’s holding onto her knee – seems like she fell while she was running – biting her lip and desperately trying to push away unwanted tears.

“Does it hurt bad?” Isak asks with distressed look in his eyes, his voice surprisingly calm, squatting down and Bea starts nodding in confirmation, the traitorous tears falling down her cheeks. As she continues doing so, Isak carefully blows on the wound for ten seconds or so. He grins, catching her eyes, “Magic sometimes helps, right?” Another nod. “Let’s try it, then. One, two, three, smooth all Bea's wounds away!”

Even is watching them with pure fascination, with a feeling as if he’s intruding, but at the same time something warm runs through him and he wants to hold on to that feeling for a bit longer.

“Is the pain gone now?” Isak asks her with his hand still on her knee.

She nods, wrapping her arms around his neck, and lets out weak, “You blew the pain away.”

Isak huffs a laugh, hugging Bea tight, “That’s right, blew the pain away.” Then, he meets Even’s gaze, smiling at him. Even can’t help but smile back.

“I didn’t want to cry,” Bea says, hiding her face in Isak’s neck. She clenches her fists on Isak’s back and Even’s heart skips a bit or two.

“I know, honey. You did a great job.” Isak murmurs, placing a kiss on her forehead.

It’s when Even squats down and gently pats her on the shoulder. “I’ll have to agree with your dad. But it’s okay to cry, too. Especially if you’re hurt.”

She turns to look at him, but in a spur of a moment, clearly embarrassed, lays her temple on Isak’s shoulder so she can still see Even. “No! I’m old enough now. I don’t need to cry anymore, crying is for babies.”

“You know,” Even starts, lowering the tone of his voice as if he’s sharing a secret with her. “I’m a little bit older than you, right?” He waits for her to nod- Isak snorts but Even doesn’t pay attention to it. He says, “And I cry all the time!”

“No, you don’t!” Bea exclaims and giggles, completely forgetting about her fall.

“I do.” Even insists.

“I’ve never seen you cry,” her confidence wears off; she frowns but keeps looking at him attentively.

“You usually see me at school. Do you cry at school?” As she shakes her head, Even nods, proving his point. “Me neither. But when I come back home…”

When she starts to giggle Even has no other option than to beam at her.

\---

Later, saying goodbye in the school parking lot, just like the first time they met, Even thinks hard what he has to say.

He meant it when he said he admires Isak. 

“About earlier, I’m sorry, I distracted you and Bea stumbled-”

“Even, hey. It’s not your fault.” Isak stops him. “One of the first lessons I’ve learned after steeping into parenthood, it’s that children are going to stumble and fall and they are going to hurt their knees. Not once, not twice, but all the time. Of course my heart stops every time something like this happens, but I can’t predict it. My job is to be with them when they do.”

“Still, I feel-” 

Isak lets out the exaggerated sigh, opening the car door for Bea to get in. Déjà vu, it has to be.

“Okay, got it.” Even chuckles. Then, a little bit more sure. “I had a nice time today.”

The feeling reminds Even of something so random, something you didn’t know you needed, but when it’s finally a part of your life, even the smallest one, you have no idea how you could live without it all this time.

“Me too,” Isak agrees. “But we really have to go now.”

“Is someone waiting for you?” Trying to look nonchalant Even raises his chin and looks away.

Isak ducks his head, failing to hide a smile. “No. I told you, I’m working night. Was hoping to catch at least a two hours’ sleep.”

“Right.” Even awkwardly puts his hands in pockets of his jeans and hopes his blush isn’t too obvious. “I won’t keep you any longer, then.”

Even doesn’t know what is acceptable here now. 

Do they shake hands? Do they hug? He thinks for too long, but he’s reassured by the fact that Isak, who is still right in front of him, seems to have the same problem. 

Eye to eye, Even lets out a sharp breath- but the moment is lost when Bea opens the door and in amusing annoyance calls for Isak to finally go home. Honestly, her mood wasn't that great for the rest of their walk. 

Isak makes a small step backwards. “Bye,” he lets out, almost inaudible, sorry smile on his lips, and then walks around the car to reach driver’s seat.

If Even imagines how Isak pulls him in for a hug, no one needs to know, right? And how nice it is when his cheek rubs Isak’s stubble and it prickles. How it’s as quick as it’s nice – as if it was clouding of mind and Even made it up.

He did make it up though.

Something tells him he’s simply yet to have that.


End file.
